Tag Archives: english

Love and Labyrinths

There’s this day when you find a person that is everything you can wish for, that shows you things & worlds you didn’t know exist, who through highs & lows still shares the rainbow, pink bunnies & flying elephants with you. The two of you as always in the middle of the picture with a smile and & holding hands. A person that shows you that there is a lot more than what you are & what you see. A person that you appreciate the most for everything that goes on in their head, for each & every one of the buttons they push in your brain to open the doors you’ve closed with nails & high security doors and passwords and hand scanning devices.

The one person you could really imagine sharing a life with, with whom you see a future, a happy one. I could see a happy Majo, walking down the aisle, I could see a happy Majo looking at her pregnant belly & feeling the little creature growing inside of her. I could see a happy Majo looking at her newborn baby, holding it in her arms, knowing it is the product of love, of the biggest love there can be. Of two people who love one another, understand each other, who appreciate the simplest things of being together. Who’ve decided to spend the rest of their lives together, who’ve sworn to each other that they’ll fight with teeth and claws to not to fall down from the same cart in the roller coaster of life they decided to share and in which there is place for more beautiful beings, for beings they’ve created together and decided to give the gift of life. In a happy place, in a safe place. Without fights, without screaming, hitting or belittling.

I never thought such a person existed, I imagined it was only fairy tales. A person you would go through so much for and with you? Who’s needs sometimes come before yours?

I’m strong for a lot of things, but I’m not strong enough to…I see the world inside myself, i can feel and see my emotions and thoughts, they are neatly ordered. I have them at the tip of my tongue, they wanna go out, they need to go out. There are so many things I’d like to say, so many that they almost choke me because they are all stuck in my throat. They wanna come out, they scream in my head, they scream and don’t leave me alone.

So often I wanted to say something for a long time, I just didn’t know how, I tried to wait for the perfect moment, for the perfect place, I repeated it in my head until the words lost their meaning. I heard my voice saying it, I felt my mouth moving. How many times I lied in bed with him, wanting to say something, wanting to tell him something, the words caught on my throat, chocking me and the screams in my head getting louder and louder. And when he fell asleep I told him things, I said all the things I was afraid to tell him. That’s it, I didn’t dare to tell him how I felt.

Why? Let’s ask why. I know why.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to be afraid, I wasn’t allowed to be tired, I wasn’t allowed to cry, I wasn’t allowed to laugh, I wasn’t allowed to talk, I wasn’t allowed to feel, I wasn’t allowed to be. That’s when this inner world of labyrinths in my mind began to exist. Thats’ how i started creating rooms in which I could just stuff all feelings and emotions and after they were full I closed the door and hoped I would never have to open it again.

Not only the things that made me feel like being ripped off were there, also the ones that brought me joy were inside. It was like pandoras box, containing all the evils in the world and the spirit of hope. My labyrinths contained all the evils and goods in my world. I worked hard to let the goods out. I knew where the doors of the evils were, but the goods I had to look for in an endless labyrinth. I finally found them and showed them the exit to the outside world and made sure the doors of the evils where sealed in every way possible because I thought that way they would remain in a parallel world that doesn’t directly belong to me. I was wrong. The labyrinth became a round room where I stood in the middle and saw all these doors in which only pain was behind. There’s no parallel world. The goods took over me and blinded me to the fact that there was actually something else in me that i had to explore.

I did. I opened the doors and almost died.

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In a cold and windy Monday like today all I wish for is to be in your arms & purrr a bit.

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I had never been so depressed

I had never been so depressed in my life. It’s horrible. Sometimes I really dislike being bipolar. There’s no reason for it, other than the stupid not properly working chemistry in my brain. It’s extremely challenging to write this post, but I thought I had to do it. If I didn’t know we can solve this with medication, I wouldn’t have any hope.

Just some thoughts, here’s your cat :3

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I am Depressed

The fact that you can see this disgusting black being again is hard to accept at first, but once you’ve accepted it all makes sense. The whole physical pain, that it’s so hard to get out of bed every day, that meeting my friends is such a big challenge each time, that the smallest activity exhausts my energy for the next couple of hours.

I’m Bipolar and I was hypomanic for a week or so a couple of weeks ago, so it all makes sense now. Especially why the doctor here was saying all the time that I’m so unstable. I’m not, I just manage to do everything I have to do and a little bit more even though it is so hard. I’m not unstable, I’m strong. I don’t even have the patience to play Skyrim!!!!! That really means there’s something wrong with me.

Now I know what I have to do and that this feeling of depression will go again soon 🙂 THAT is great news, even though it’s sad that I have to go through this again, I know I’m strong & I know I’ll be able to achieve it once more, like all the times before!

I need a hug even if I don’t want it.

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Majo

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Dich kann man mit einem kleinen Kind vergleichen

Dich kann man mit einem kleinen Kind vergleichen, der unbedingt eine Süßigkeit will. Die Eltern wollen die Süßigkeit nicht kaufen, weil wenn ein Kind zu viele Süßigkeiten isst, wird er eventuell im Leben schlechte Zähne haben. Das Kind schreit, weint und sagt den Eltern, dass er sie hasst, dass er sich solche Eltern nicht gewünscht hat. Dass wenn sie ihn lieben würden, würden sie ihm so viele Süßigkeiten kaufen wie er will, jeden Tag am besten. Dass sie ihm vor ein paar Tagen eine Schokolade gekauft haben und an dem Tag bekommt er keine.

Die Eltern haben zwei Möglichkeiten:

Die erste wäre zuzugeben und dem Kind alles geben was er will, auch wenn es für ihn schlecht ist. Aber damit würde er aufhören zu heulen und sich gleich gut fühlen. Denn Eltern wollen natürlich nicht, dass das Kind leidet. Das Kind würde dann jedes Mal so viele Süßigkeiten bekommen wie er will, ohne jedes Mal den ganzen Theater durchzumachen. Später im Leben wird er schlechte Zähne voller Löcher haben, vielleicht wird er auch Zähne verlieren und das würde sein ganzes späteres Leben beeinträchtigen.

Die zweite Möglichkeit wäre das Kind nicht alle Süßigkeiten geben, die er will. Ab und zu ist es natürlich in Ordnung, so wie bei allem. Damit das Kind nicht leidet, ist es aber wichtig ihm zu erklären, warum er vor ein paar Tagen eine Schokolade haben dürfte und warum er heute keine Süßigkeiten haben darf. Man könnte ihm sogar Bilder von Menschen zeigen, die zu viele Süßigkeiten gegessen haben und die sich auch die Zähne nicht geputzt haben. Zwei Vogel mit einem Schuss. Dann wird er verstehen warum es für ihn wichtig ist, Süßigkeiten nur ab und zu zu essen und sich die Zähne zu putzen und eigene Verantwortung zu übernehmen. Dann wird er kein Theater machen und wenn er Süßigkeiten bekommt wird er sich freuen. Manchmal wird er fragen, ob er welche bekommen darf oder nicht, manchmal wird er sie bekommen, manchmal nicht, aber ein Theater wird es nie mehr geben. Er wird von alleine beginnen sich die Zähne zu putzen, ohne dass jemand ihm sagt er muss es tun. Er wird es manchmal vergessen, aber wenn man es ihm erinnert wird er es ohne Theater machen.

Du bist heute noch das erste Kind und ich war, als ich jünger war, das zweite.

Die Zähne, die du noch hast, sind voller Löcher, und Zahnschmerzen hast du immer. Ich habe im Gegenteil noch nie im Leben einen Loch im Zahn gehabt.

Du bist ein Kind, das Erwachsensein spielt. Ich bin kein Kind mehr.

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Die Geschichte zweier Menschen, eine Autobiographie

So, I’m writing two books. I don’t know when I’ll be done with them, especially now that I’m staying in the hospital & I’m planned out with therapies every day for the next three months. Both books are originally in German, but I’ll translate them to English and Spanish, with the help of good friends. The first on and most important one for me is an autobiography an here is the paperback:

in German

Diese ist die Geschichte zweier Menschen, deren Wege sich im Leben oft gekreuzt haben. Sie trafen sich oft zum ersten Mal, haben sich jedes Mal die Hände geschüttelt und sind dann wieder aneinander vorbeigegangen, ohne jemals die Existenz des anderen wahrzunehmen. Erst 21 Jahre nach ihrem allerersten Treffen, nach dem dritten Selbstmordversuch des einen und den ersten Selbstmordversuch des anderen, haben sich diese zwei Menschen in der Psychiatrie getroffen und zum ersten Mal in deren Leben waren beide glücklich, nachdem sie angefangen haben anstatt gegen das Leben, für sich selber zu kämpfen.

& here in English

This is the story of two people, whose paths crossed often in life. They met very often for the first time, they shook hands everytime…

I just realised I’m not in the mood for translating right now. I’ll do it sometime soon 🙂

A cat for you:

download

Have a nice Sunday!

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