There’s this day when you find a person that is everything you can wish for, that shows you things & worlds you didn’t know exist, who through highs & lows still shares the rainbow, pink bunnies & flying elephants with you. The two of you as always in the middle of the picture with a smile and & holding hands. A person that shows you that there is a lot more than what you are & what you see. A person that you appreciate the most for everything that goes on in their head, for each & every one of the buttons they push in your brain to open the doors you’ve closed with nails & high security doors and passwords and hand scanning devices.
The one person you could really imagine sharing a life with, with whom you see a future, a happy one. I could see a happy Majo, walking down the aisle, I could see a happy Majo looking at her pregnant belly & feeling the little creature growing inside of her. I could see a happy Majo looking at her newborn baby, holding it in her arms, knowing it is the product of love, of the biggest love there can be. Of two people who love one another, understand each other, who appreciate the simplest things of being together. Who’ve decided to spend the rest of their lives together, who’ve sworn to each other that they’ll fight with teeth and claws to not to fall down from the same cart in the roller coaster of life they decided to share and in which there is place for more beautiful beings, for beings they’ve created together and decided to give the gift of life. In a happy place, in a safe place. Without fights, without screaming, hitting or belittling.
I never thought such a person existed, I imagined it was only fairy tales. A person you would go through so much for and with you? Who’s needs sometimes come before yours?
I’m strong for a lot of things, but I’m not strong enough to…I see the world inside myself, i can feel and see my emotions and thoughts, they are neatly ordered. I have them at the tip of my tongue, they wanna go out, they need to go out. There are so many things I’d like to say, so many that they almost choke me because they are all stuck in my throat. They wanna come out, they scream in my head, they scream and don’t leave me alone.
So often I wanted to say something for a long time, I just didn’t know how, I tried to wait for the perfect moment, for the perfect place, I repeated it in my head until the words lost their meaning. I heard my voice saying it, I felt my mouth moving. How many times I lied in bed with him, wanting to say something, wanting to tell him something, the words caught on my throat, chocking me and the screams in my head getting louder and louder. And when he fell asleep I told him things, I said all the things I was afraid to tell him. That’s it, I didn’t dare to tell him how I felt.
Why? Let’s ask why. I know why.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to be afraid, I wasn’t allowed to be tired, I wasn’t allowed to cry, I wasn’t allowed to laugh, I wasn’t allowed to talk, I wasn’t allowed to feel, I wasn’t allowed to be. That’s when this inner world of labyrinths in my mind began to exist. Thats’ how i started creating rooms in which I could just stuff all feelings and emotions and after they were full I closed the door and hoped I would never have to open it again.
Not only the things that made me feel like being ripped off were there, also the ones that brought me joy were inside. It was like pandoras box, containing all the evils in the world and the spirit of hope. My labyrinths contained all the evils and goods in my world. I worked hard to let the goods out. I knew where the doors of the evils were, but the goods I had to look for in an endless labyrinth. I finally found them and showed them the exit to the outside world and made sure the doors of the evils where sealed in every way possible because I thought that way they would remain in a parallel world that doesn’t directly belong to me. I was wrong. The labyrinth became a round room where I stood in the middle and saw all these doors in which only pain was behind. There’s no parallel world. The goods took over me and blinded me to the fact that there was actually something else in me that i had to explore.
I did. I opened the doors and almost died.
In a cold and windy Monday like today all I wish for is to be in your arms & purrr a bit.