Category Archives: English

Love and Labyrinths

There’s this day when you find a person that is everything you can wish for, that shows you things & worlds you didn’t know exist, who through highs & lows still shares the rainbow, pink bunnies & flying elephants with you. The two of you as always in the middle of the picture with a smile and & holding hands. A person that shows you that there is a lot more than what you are & what you see. A person that you appreciate the most for everything that goes on in their head, for each & every one of the buttons they push in your brain to open the doors you’ve closed with nails & high security doors and passwords and hand scanning devices.

The one person you could really imagine sharing a life with, with whom you see a future, a happy one. I could see a happy Majo, walking down the aisle, I could see a happy Majo looking at her pregnant belly & feeling the little creature growing inside of her. I could see a happy Majo looking at her newborn baby, holding it in her arms, knowing it is the product of love, of the biggest love there can be. Of two people who love one another, understand each other, who appreciate the simplest things of being together. Who’ve decided to spend the rest of their lives together, who’ve sworn to each other that they’ll fight with teeth and claws to not to fall down from the same cart in the roller coaster of life they decided to share and in which there is place for more beautiful beings, for beings they’ve created together and decided to give the gift of life. In a happy place, in a safe place. Without fights, without screaming, hitting or belittling.

I never thought such a person existed, I imagined it was only fairy tales. A person you would go through so much for and with you? Who’s needs sometimes come before yours?

I’m strong for a lot of things, but I’m not strong enough to…I see the world inside myself, i can feel and see my emotions and thoughts, they are neatly ordered. I have them at the tip of my tongue, they wanna go out, they need to go out. There are so many things I’d like to say, so many that they almost choke me because they are all stuck in my throat. They wanna come out, they scream in my head, they scream and don’t leave me alone.

So often I wanted to say something for a long time, I just didn’t know how, I tried to wait for the perfect moment, for the perfect place, I repeated it in my head until the words lost their meaning. I heard my voice saying it, I felt my mouth moving. How many times I lied in bed with him, wanting to say something, wanting to tell him something, the words caught on my throat, chocking me and the screams in my head getting louder and louder. And when he fell asleep I told him things, I said all the things I was afraid to tell him. That’s it, I didn’t dare to tell him how I felt.

Why? Let’s ask why. I know why.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to be afraid, I wasn’t allowed to be tired, I wasn’t allowed to cry, I wasn’t allowed to laugh, I wasn’t allowed to talk, I wasn’t allowed to feel, I wasn’t allowed to be. That’s when this inner world of labyrinths in my mind began to exist. Thats’ how i started creating rooms in which I could just stuff all feelings and emotions and after they were full I closed the door and hoped I would never have to open it again.

Not only the things that made me feel like being ripped off were there, also the ones that brought me joy were inside. It was like pandoras box, containing all the evils in the world and the spirit of hope. My labyrinths contained all the evils and goods in my world. I worked hard to let the goods out. I knew where the doors of the evils were, but the goods I had to look for in an endless labyrinth. I finally found them and showed them the exit to the outside world and made sure the doors of the evils where sealed in every way possible because I thought that way they would remain in a parallel world that doesn’t directly belong to me. I was wrong. The labyrinth became a round room where I stood in the middle and saw all these doors in which only pain was behind. There’s no parallel world. The goods took over me and blinded me to the fact that there was actually something else in me that i had to explore.

I did. I opened the doors and almost died.

images (1)

In a cold and windy Monday like today all I wish for is to be in your arms & purrr a bit.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

I had never been so depressed

I had never been so depressed in my life. It’s horrible. Sometimes I really dislike being bipolar. There’s no reason for it, other than the stupid not properly working chemistry in my brain. It’s extremely challenging to write this post, but I thought I had to do it. If I didn’t know we can solve this with medication, I wouldn’t have any hope.

Just some thoughts, here’s your cat :3


Tagged , , , , ,

Die besondere Zeit

I wrote this Xmas story for our Xmas party in the hospital. The party was really nice, we had a beautiful program & I really enjoyed it. I had to leave the party because somewhen it became too much for me since I’m depressed and miss my family, but everyone here is really understanding & no one took it personally 🙂


Eine Zeit im Jahr war besonders, vor allem ein Tag. Die Weihnachtszeit, die kitschige Lieder in der Radio, der Schmuck auf den Straßen, das Vorbereiten des Essens für die heilige Nacht, der größte Christbaum, den man findet konnte mitten im Wohnzimmer, die Geschenke, die von Tag zu Tag sich vermehrten darunter. Die Farben, grün, rot, gold und silber.

Eine Zeit in der wir alles zur Seite lassen, alle Auseinandersetzungen, Diskussionen und Problemen um die Anwesenheit der anderen zu genießen, um dankbar zu sein, dass trotzt allem, man sich für einander hatte. Um dem Leben die Dankbarkeit zu zeigen, die man im Alltag zu zeigen vergass.

Die besondere Nacht kam, jeder bereitete sich vor die Menschen zu sehen, die nur selten zu sehen waren und jeder von uns freute sich darüber. Endlich einmal im Jahr die ganze Familie wieder zu sehen. Nach dem von der Oma gemachten Abendessen bis Mitternacht zu warten um alle zu umarmen. Zusammen ein Puzzle während des Wartens zu machen und hausgemachtes Punsch oder Eggnog trinken.

Es war jedes Mal eine herrliche Zeit, die ich seit 6 Jahren mit meiner Familie nicht mehr habe. Und jedes Weihnachten weine ich aus denselben Grund. Aus Dankbarkeit diese schöne Momente gehabt zu haben und aus Hoffnung sie mit meiner eigenen Familie eines Tages haben zu dürfen.

Heute habe ich das Glück vor euch zu stehen und euch diese Geschichte vorzulesen. Ich bin euch dankbar, dass ihr ein Teil meines Leben seid. Ihr könntet denken, wir haben aber miteinander nicht viel zu tun gehabt und deswegen sollte ich mich nicht bedanken. Da würdet ihr euch irren, denn schon unser erstes Treffen, hat mein Leben und damit das Leben jedes Menschen, den ich jemals treffen werde, geprägt.

Jeder von uns ist wichtig und wir können von jedem Mensch etwas wichtiges lernen. Ihr seid wichtig, ihr seid besonders, ihr seid stark und ihr könnt alles schaffen, was ihr euch vornimmt. Das Leben ist schön und ihr macht es jeden Tag für euch selber und für anderen schöner.

An English translation will come, I just done know when.

Le program


Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I am Depressed

The fact that you can see this disgusting black being again is hard to accept at first, but once you’ve accepted it all makes sense. The whole physical pain, that it’s so hard to get out of bed every day, that meeting my friends is such a big challenge each time, that the smallest activity exhausts my energy for the next couple of hours.

I’m Bipolar and I was hypomanic for a week or so a couple of weeks ago, so it all makes sense now. Especially why the doctor here was saying all the time that I’m so unstable. I’m not, I just manage to do everything I have to do and a little bit more even though it is so hard. I’m not unstable, I’m strong. I don’t even have the patience to play Skyrim!!!!! That really means there’s something wrong with me.

Now I know what I have to do and that this feeling of depression will go again soon 🙂 THAT is great news, even though it’s sad that I have to go through this again, I know I’m strong & I know I’ll be able to achieve it once more, like all the times before!

I need a hug even if I don’t want it.



Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Mein Therapieplan

I’ll take the time to explain what each therapy is, what the goal of it is & how it personally helps me.

For now this is it:

Screen Shot 2014-12-22 at 09.49.08

I’m really enjoying the time here & although it’s only been a week, I know it will help me!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Lamictal: uses & side effects

I’ve been taking Lamotrigine, Lamictal, for over two years now. I have never gotten a rash because of it, nor any other serious side effects.

I get my information on all the drugs I take, have taken and could take from:

In my opinion the website and the information is really reliable and helpful.

Here the most important facts on Lamotrigine.

Continue reading

Tagged , , , , ,

Die Geschichte zweier Menschen, eine Autobiographie

So, I’m writing two books. I don’t know when I’ll be done with them, especially now that I’m staying in the hospital & I’m planned out with therapies every day for the next three months. Both books are originally in German, but I’ll translate them to English and Spanish, with the help of good friends. The first on and most important one for me is an autobiography an here is the paperback:

in German

Diese ist die Geschichte zweier Menschen, deren Wege sich im Leben oft gekreuzt haben. Sie trafen sich oft zum ersten Mal, haben sich jedes Mal die Hände geschüttelt und sind dann wieder aneinander vorbeigegangen, ohne jemals die Existenz des anderen wahrzunehmen. Erst 21 Jahre nach ihrem allerersten Treffen, nach dem dritten Selbstmordversuch des einen und den ersten Selbstmordversuch des anderen, haben sich diese zwei Menschen in der Psychiatrie getroffen und zum ersten Mal in deren Leben waren beide glücklich, nachdem sie angefangen haben anstatt gegen das Leben, für sich selber zu kämpfen.

& here in English

This is the story of two people, whose paths crossed often in life. They met very often for the first time, they shook hands everytime…

I just realised I’m not in the mood for translating right now. I’ll do it sometime soon 🙂

A cat for you:


Have a nice Sunday!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,